Chapter two: Losing is a two way street

There in my kitchen I had lost this battle. I looked around at the pale butter cream yellow walls and yellow fromica counter tops (those colors were not my choices) and tried not to be bitter realizing what had just happened. I looked up at my huge print by Leonetto Cappielo for comfort. There was something about the character dancing around, holding his huge plate of pasta, twirling it gleefully with a big fork for all the world to see that made me happy. I waited staring at him, hoping for just this one moment in time he would set down his pasta and tell me this was all going to be okay. A wink? Wink twice if this is a bad idea. Once? Nothing. Traitor with your pasta and clown outfit.

As the reality kicked in I started thinking about how I was going to explain this new decision to my friends and family. For all they knew I was done. Finished. Not having more kids. I don't know how else to say that to make it more clear. No more I tell you! I decided to warn two of my friends as courtesy not to blindside them later and it was hard not to be a little embarrassed. "Yes, I know I already have 3 but one more will do". Sounds great rolling of one's tongue. They were very supportive, but I could see the look of Beezy's gone crazy, and they were right. I had gone crazy. The whole thing was ridiculous.

The next hurdle-I now had to make the dreaded trip to the doctor. As women we all know how that goes and lets just say I needed to get some road blocks out of the way. This step was HUGE because it made it real now. Like for reals. And who was making it real? I was. Panic was my constant companion at this point and we were joined at the hip having a grand ole time. It was getting really hot and heavy between us. I was hoping he would break it off very soon.

To the rest of the world this was a secret. I wasn't telling anyone until I actually had something to tell them which wasn't now. My lips were zipped shut, I was doing this on my own. Who needed to know anyway? Nobody.

I've always had respect and a huge amount of compassion for woman who haven't had the ability to conceive their own children. Women who have gone years checking every month to see whether they are having a baby or not. Although I had a great deal of compassion for these woman I still had a hard time relating because I have always been "fertile myrtle" and have come from a long line of breeders as my family likes to say. Imagine a poster with my face on it and below the caption says "If you sneeze on me I'll have your baby". Horrifying but you get the idea. If anything I've always tried to not get pregnant. I knew as soon as we tried, it would be a done deal. There was an arrogant confidence there because it had never been a problem for me. Let's just say one out of my three kids were planned.

June rolled around and nothing. July.........nothing. August.......nada. Ummm hello? Someone sneeze already!
Waiting each month wondering if you are having a baby only to see no line on your test effs with your brain! It's frustrating and sad and you start to wonder what is exactly wrong with you. To the women who have done this song and dance for years, may I say what strong and lovely souls you are. I got a real taste of how it feels and its not fun at all. It's discouraging and you wonder why you are continuing this nonsense.

Finally in September I took my ritualistic test that I just knew would be negative and low and behold there was a little line where no line had been before. I was relieved that it was there but at that point it had become a game in my mind...and I had to win and won I had. Baby Loving Man was of course elated and we had made a pact to wait before telling anyone. I had all of these emotions swirling around my head. On one hand I was so happy that I wasn't broken and on the other had it was now so real...and my little life and silly dreams were once again helplessly tied to the train track. I could see it all unfolding before my eyes. I better start brushing up on I'll Fly Away because the funeral was about to begin. I despised my double feelings about the whole matter. But they were valid feelings in my mind and they were there...stuck whether I liked it or not.

About 5 weeks into it, the day I was supposed to go in to my OB and take my blood test I miscarried. I had never had a miscarriage before. I had to call and cancel my appointment and let things go on as they were. It was heartbreaking. I felt not only heartbroken but guilty because of how previously bitter I was about my little life's funeral that wasn't even going to happen now. What kind of a monster was I? Who thinks like this? Sick people like me that's who. Sick freaks. I realized going through this that I really did want a baby. Once it was there and now gone so suddenly I wanted it. Was the Universe checking to see how bad I really wanted this? It messed with my head I won't lie. Baby Loving Man was devastated. Why should we even continue any of this? The whole thing was a dismal mess. Things were not good here on the home front.