Chapter three: Airing dirty laundry

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I won't sugar coat this for you, I was a nasty little beast while all of this was going on. I was edgy, pissed and felt severely betrayed by my own body. Here I had let this idea that I wasn't sure of in the first place take a seat in my life and it blew up in my face. I had invited it in....part of me accepted it and then the carpet was ripped out from under my legs. Nice.

Nobody ever really wants to lose a baby. As sad as Baby Loving Man was I still don't think he really knew how much this whole thing really affected my brain. I was even a little surprised at just how taken back I was by the whole thing. I think talking about miscarriages feels like we are airing them out on the line to dry for the whole neighborhood to see. It's hard to bring up. "Hey,..sorry I've been such a B face lately....I've had a miscarriage..so there ya go". It's just not that simple. Most of the people I know reading this are finding my experience out for the first time because I didn't talk about it. And as women I think we deal with it quietly and as quickly as possible even thinking that maybe we don't have a right to be as sad as we really are. And may I just say...you have a right to be as sad as you damn well please for as long as you damn well want. You were pregnant for heavens sake and then your not. Not fun stuff here.

Sitting in the car which was parked in my driveway I tried to make sense of what this all meant. Was it a sign that this shouldn't go on? Was it a test to see how bad I really wanted it? Why was this happening? Unfortunately I have a hard time just going along with things. I need to know why, when, where. Asking these questions while it can be a good quality also can drag things out for the long haul and I know makes me a bit of a pill to be around. These were legitimate questions that I needed answers to though. Where were the answers? I'll just be in my car parked in my driveway Universe whenever you a ready to answer them. Thanks.

Did I really want to do this one more time? What if it didn't work? Would it be even more devastating if I did and it all went wrong again? I wasn't sure I could take it. But the nagging little inkling again got the better of me. I saw how this whole miscarriage thing impacted me and if I didn't want a baby...then why was this so hard? It was something I was willing to do one more time. But one more was all I think I could take. We could take.

We were headed to California shortly after this whole disaster. Mike was there for work and the kids and I hitched a ride with him to see our friends and family. I was trying to protect myself from being hurt again, trying not to think about whether this one last effort at a baby had worked. I tried not to even care and our trip proved to be a great distraction. There was too much to do and way too many places to be to even give much of it a real thought. I had set it up on a shelf and let it sit until I was ready to give a good glance.

Towards the end of our trip just a day or two before I could take the test, the same thing started to happen like the last time. What the hell? No oh no..please no. And then it stopped..just like that. What-the-freak Universe! You are an evil B aren't you? I would really be curious to know who I was in a past life that I'm paying for in this one! My sister in law begged me to take a test..the test. It better be positive because there was going to be no other tests taken by this lady, not one more.

I set it on the counter and walked out of the bathroom. I had Baby Loving Man come in and see what the results were, he knew that if it wasn't good he was out of luck and I know it freaked him out something fierce. He walked out of the room smiling, hugging me. I was happy. I was. But I wasn't convinced it would stick .


As we returned from California I was dreading going home in a strange way. I didn't want to have to face my friends after this all went badly. No one knowing was hard enough and then to put on my big girl happy panties for everyone was much harder. I just didn't want anything to do with it really. In plain words, it sucked. Waiting for anything to go badly sucks.