Chapter four: Hello pounds, goodbye dream

image via http://vintagegal.tumblr.com

I finally made it past where I had with the last pregnancy. Shew, but not shew completely. I knew better than to high five myself at this point. No ma'am. I scheduled my blood test again and hoped I would make it until then. Once I reached my appointment I was able to breath a little easier. The nurse called me later that day "Well miss, congratulations, you're pregnant". Yah, thanks...I'm pretty sure that's why I scheduled the appointment, good thing you told me though. You guys, I'm really not a nice person. I didn't actually say that to her, she was nice enough, but in a perfect world I would have. See?..not nice.

My next "paper work" appointment was up next. If you've ever been to one of these, they disguise it by calling it a "paper work" appointment but you are only to come alone. What it really is, is..does your boyfriend/husband beat you? appointment...really you can tell us..appointment. I'm not sure how many times the nurse hinted at this as we filled out the same exact paperwork I had spent hours completing at the previous blood test appointment. I finally told the lady "look, if someone actually had the balls to beat me, I'm pretty sure they're still missing...capiche?". She laughed, I however was not laughing and it was a prefect world at that moment because I really did say that. Again, not nice.  They ended up taking my blood pressure, and my weight just like they did at the last appointment. "Go ahead, steppy on up the scale" she says to me. Who says steppy? No one with a pair of broken legs that's who. So I strip myself, loosing as much stuff as I can, my goddy turquoise ring, shoes, sweater, bobby pin, lint off of my shirt. All tricks I had learned at my Weight Watchers meetings trying to lose the fat I had acquired from my last baby. As I  steppy up on the scale she starts sliding the top nob over to the right..more and more...and over and over. Seriously? "10lbs" she says. 10 pounds? What does that mean? "You've gained 10 pounds since the last time you were here." THANK YOU! Thanks for clearing that up. The sad part is, is that the last time I was there was one week ago. How does someone gain 10 pounds in a week? Mmmmk? Is that even possible? My clothes fit fine as far as I could tell. Great. Just great. So much for not getting fat. I'll just scratch that off my little dream list that is definitely getting hit by that train. I can hear the train whistle now. Chugga chug chug.

I went home good and mad. Angry at the steppy up language and more than anything at the 10 effing pounds I gained in one week. I started doing the math, 10 x 40 weeks=4000 pounds! Holy hell....did I do the math right? I've always never been good at math. I even got out my phone and did it on my fail proof calculator which was apparently failing because it said 4000.That is the size of a whale! A walrus? A huge elephant? So I literally just googled a 4000 pound animal, and do you know what came up? Guess? A cow! How very appropriate! Of course it would be a cow. UUGGHHH. (p.s. I know the equation is wrong...but this is to show you how my mind actually works and in my world...40x10 is 4000lbs...not 400 like it would be in yours per say).

I'll fly away, fly away oh lordy..I'll...fly away in the morning.....and so the eulogy to my little life and silly dream starts to play on a mega phone. All I can do is cover my ears!

So I went quickly into healthy freak eating mode. I will not, not, not get fat. I wasn't trying to loose weight because that is bad when you're knocked up, I was just trying not to be anymore ridiculous the next time I had to steppy up which was in a few weeks. It turned out this healthy freak eating wasn't so bad and you know what? I felt pretty good.

I also was on the hunt to figure out how long I could conceal this pregnancy. I was pretty darn confident at least 3 months. Have you ever watched that show I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant? I was for sure I was going to be one of those women that could hide it, the only difference is that I was doing it on purpose. Watching those other crazy sad shows about teenagers who can hide it from their parents for 9 months also made me think...okay..what did they wear? Hoodies and baggy jeans. Yes, if I dress like Left Eye from TLC I will surely fool everyone. Thug life 4eva was what would help me out....I could do it, I went to Florin. (anyone who doesn't know what Florin is, won't get that joke..for all the rest of who do....amen right?)

I was ready. Hoodie? Check. Baggy Jeans? ummm not really, I wore cigarette jeans but the hoodie would faze out what counted. It was go time, no one would know. Who's pregnant? that's right...no one was. Very good, you're catching on.

It was totally working. Healthy freak eating was on track, thug trickery outfit in place. Ha ha ha no one was the wiser and it was time for my next appointment. This would be quick, painless even. I would get my little ultrasound, steppy up on the scale. It was all good. All too good.